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(humorous): What would different Religions, Movements and Belief Systems might say when S**T happens 2/2

Agnosticism
What is this shit?
It looks and smells like shit, but i haven’t tasted it, so i’m not sure whether it’s shit or not. I don’t know shit!
How can we know if shit happens?
You can’t prove any of this shit!
Shit may or may not be happening; we don’t know shit.

 

Altruism
Want some shit?

 

Amish
Shit dost occur.
Shit is good for the soil.
This modern shit is worthless.

 

Anglicanism
It’s true, shit does happen – but only to lutherans.

 

Apathism
I don’t give a shit.

 

Atheism
No shit.
What shit?
I don’t believe this shit.
Shit doesn’t happen.
Shit is dead.

 

Ba’hai
All shit is truly shit.
Why do you keep shitting on us?
Shit happens universally.

 

Baptist
Fundamentalism shit happens because the bible says so.
You are shitting all wrong, and you’ll be punished for it.
We’ll wash the shit right off you.

 

Southern Baptist
Shit will happen.
Praise the lord!

 

Shiite Baptist
Shit will happen, but only the way we say it will happen and if it doesn’t happen we will make it happen because that’s god’s will and we know it…

 

Branch Davidianism
May shit happen to the FBI!
If shit happens, have a BIG barbecue…
David thinks he’s hot shit.

 

Buddhism
Shit happens.
If shit happens, it isn’t really shit.
Shit will happen again to you next time.
Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will have salvation.

 

Zen Buddhism
Shit is, and is not.
What is the sound of shit happening?

 

Calvinism
Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.

 

Capitalism
How much will this shit cost?
That’s my shit.

 

Cartesianism
I shit, therefore I am.

 

Catholicism
Shit happens because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.
You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.

 

Christian Science
Shit is in your mind.

 

Communism
It’s everybody’s shit.

 

Confucianism
Confucius say, “Shit happens.”
Confucious says, “If shit has to happen, let it happen properly.”

 

Congregationalism
Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.

 

Creationism
We have proof that god created all the shit that happens.
When shit happens, don’t call a doctor – pray.
Shit doesn’t happen and i am not up to my eyeballs in it.
Our shit will take care of itself. …
And the lord said “let there be shit” …
And there came piles of it.
After six days of this shit, he rested.

 

Darwinism
Survival of the shittiest.
This shit was once food.

 

Deconstruction
Shit happens in hegemonic meta-narratives.

 

Dianetics
“Why does shit happen?”

 

Discordianism
Shit makes the flowers grow and that’s beautiful.

 

Dyslexianism
Hits shapnep.

 

Episcopalianism
If shit happens, hold a procession.
It’s not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.

 

Existentialism
Absurd shit.
Shit doesn’t happen; shit is.
What is shit, anyway?

 

Feminism
This shit happened before, and we won’t clean it up!
Men are shit!

 

Force
Do not be swayed by the dark side of the shit.

 

Fundamentalism
There’s no shit in the bible.
If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (amen!)
Shit happens, but don’t publish it.

 

Gnosticism
Know the shit.

 

Hare Krishna
Shit happens, Rama Rama.
She-it happens, she-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it… (repeat until you become one with she-it) please this flower and buy our shit.

 

Hedonism
There’s nothing like a good shit happening!

 

Hinduism
This shit happened before.
This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
This shit happening is you.

 

Idolism
Let’s bronze this shit.

 

Islam
If shit happens, it is the Will of Allah.
We don’t take no shit!

 

Sunni Islam
If it happens to be shit, it’s allah’s will and you’d better submit!
Shite happens.

 

Shi’ite Islam
We will destroy your shit!
If shit happens, take a hostage.

 

Jehovah’s Witnesses
Knock, Knock, shit happens.
No shit happens until armaggedon.
There is only a limited amount of good shit.
Here, we insist you take our shit.
Open the door and i’ll show you what shit is.

 

Jesuitism
If shit happens and nobody hears it, did it really make a sound?

 

Judaism
Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

 

Conservative Judaism
Why does shit always happen to us?

 

Orthodox Judaism
So shit happens, already!

 

Reform Judaism
Got any laxatives?
Shit happens to whom it may concern.

 

Kibology
What’s shit, and where can i get some?

 

Lutheranism
Shit happens, but as long as you’re sorry, it’s ok.
Have faith that shit will happen.
If shit happens, don’t talk about it.

 

Marxism
This shit is going to hit the fan.
The workers take all the shit, but they’re gonna dish it back out again.
Methodist
It’s not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.

 

Mithraism
Bull shit happens.

 

Moonies
Only happy shit really happens.

 

Mysticism
This shit is going to happen again.
If shit happens, shun it.
Let the shit multiply.
Excrement happens. (you can’t say ‘shit’ in utah)
Hey, there’s more shit happening over here!
God sent us this shit.

 

Mysticism
This is really weird shit.

 

Narcissism
I am the shit!

 

Nihilism
Who gives a shit?

 

New age
That’s not shit, it’s feldspar.
A firm shit does not happen to me.
This isn’t shit if i really believe it’s chocolate.
I create my own shit. If shit happens, honor it and share it.
Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
We’re all part of the same shit.
For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.

 

Orthodox
St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.

 

Greek Orthodox
Shit happens, usually in threes.

 

Paganism
Shit happens for a variety of reasons.
Shit happens.
And is a part of nature.

 

Pentecostalism
In Jesus’ name, heal this shit!

 

Presbyterianism
This shit was bound to happen.

 

Protestantism
Let this shit happen to someone else.
If shit happens, praise the lord for it!

 

Quakers
Let us not fight over this shit.

 

Rajhneesh
Give us your Shit and put on this orange Shit.

 

Rastafarianism
Let’s smoke this shit.
Hey, this is good shit, mon.
Shit happens, but if it’s all right with jah, it’s all right with me.

 

Satanism
We hope bad shit happens to all of you.
We will make your shit happen.
Sneppah tihs.

 

Scientology
Shit happens on page 152 of Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
This shit happened before, but we can clean it up if you pay us enough.

 

Secular Humanism
Shit evolves.
Shit happens, but there’s a rational explanation.

 

Seventh Day Adventist
No shit on Saturdays.

 

Shamanism
Whoaa… Holy shit!

 

Shintoism
You inherit the shit of your ancestors.
Sushi happens.
Shit is everywhere.
So as long as you’re stepping in it, show it some respect.

 

Sikhism
Leave our shit alone.

 

Spam
Spam happens.

 

Stoicism
This shit is its own reward.
This shit happening is good for me.

 

SubGenius
Shit has happened.
For $20 “bob” will sell you a way to make money from it.

 

Sureshism
You are all pieces of shit.

 

Taoism
Shit happens.
If you can shit, it isn’t shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.
Shit that happens is not the true shit.

 

Televangelism
Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening…

 

Voodoo
Shit doesn’t just happen – somebody dumped it on you.
Let’s stick some pins in this shit!
This shit’s gonna get you!

 

Unitarianism
Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
What is this shit?
We affirm the right for shit to happen.
Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
It’s not the shit that matters. It’s the process.
Come let us reason together about this shit.

 

Wicca
If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
The goddess makes shit happen.
And it harm none, let shit happen.

 

Zoroastrianism
Shit happens half the time. Christianity stole half its shit from us.

 

 

By: Marijan Mohan

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